Tongue Twister

A porn star is dropping by to plug her latest X-rated flick on our morning show. Of course, as PD, I must be there to make sure we don't run afoul of any FCC rules or regulations.

I greet the porn star's handler in our lobby -- a big, beefy, guy with a nose that looks flattened from taking punches. He reaches out to shake my hand. I can't help but notice the ring finger on his right hand is just a stub, cut off just above the knuckle. Before I can ask where our guest is, he informs me that "she's using the head." Probably fixing herself up. After all, it's 6:30a.

.

A few minutes go by. The porn star enters the on-air studio. She looks, well, skanky. Then again, this is the first time any of us have seen her with her clothes on. The way she's sniffing, I assume she must have a bad cold. I introduce her to the crew -- the morning guy, his producer, our news gal.

She does the first segment, then excuses herself to the bathroom again. When she returns, I can't help but notice she has a glazed look in her eyes. I'd swear she's on something. The sniffing continues.

"Fighting a cold, eh?" I say, wondering if she's coked-up. She just grins at me. On closer inspection, I see what looks like powdered donut residue on her right nostril. It wasn't Dunkin.

Finally, the interview wraps up at 7:30. In the hallway outside the control room, the porn star hands me her business card -- it's her home number in Las Vegas -- then goes to give me a kiss. I cock my head a little, expecting a peck on the cheek. Instead, she goes for the lips. I feel a tongue enter my mouth and tickle my uvula. Someone who could be the poster girl for herpes or AIDS is slipping me saliva.

"Wow, you got tongue from a porn star," the awestruck morning show producer gushes.

It dawns on me; I really don't know where that mouth has been. Actually, I do. I rush to my desk, grab my toothbrush and toothpaste, head straight for the men's room, and scrub the hell out of my mouth, spitting into the sink.

I'm hopeful whatever it is she might have, I don't get.