Stomaching Mornings

Some people who work the morning shift depend on a wake-up call from the station. Others simply set their clock radio. In the days when I worked morning drive, I always counted on my alcoholic next door neighbor to get me up in time.

"Ralllllllllph!"

Poor guy, I'd think, as the sickening vomiting noise echoed out his bathroom window and penetrated my bedroom walls.

"Buiiiiiick!"

3:15 a.m. Right on time. I'd jump out of bed and get ready for work.

"Ra.....Ralllll.....Rallllllph!"

One advantage of the upchucking next-door neighbor versus the standard alarm clock? The neighbor always threw up, even during power outages.

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Speaking of regurgitation, did I ever tell you about the time the morning guy on the Rock station invited a projectile vomit artist on his show? The young man shows up at the station with these canisters full of colored water, so he can spew in Technicolor. Cool, huh?

Our morning guy sends him out on a busy street, next to a popular restaurant. "It won't be the first time someone's thrown up there," the DJ jokes.

Vomit Boy slows traffic and elicits horrified looks from passing motorists as he throws up in red, green, blue and purple. The jock's producer provides the play-by-play and natural sound via cell phone.

Later that morning, my voice mailbox quickly fills up with angry calls from people who nearly tossed their breakfast witnessing the human fluids show. "You have set a new low in community standards," complains one woman, who declines to leave her name or phone number. "I'll be calling the FCC," an anonymous male voice threatens.

There's also a messages from the proprietor of the restaurant across the street, a major advertiser on our station. He says one of his employees thought he heard our morning guy make a crack about throwing up at his establishment. He'd like to know if it's true.

Well, uh, yeah. It was a joke. But the restaurant owner failed to see the humor. You see, a few weeks earlier, his place had been shut down by the health department following an outbreak of food poisoning.

To make a long story short, it took an apology from our silver-tongued morning man, on speaker phone, to the client and his advertising agency, to smooth things over.

A lost account ... and our GM surely would have thrown up.