First Impressions

“It takes a moment to judge someone, but a lifetime to understand them.” Anonymous

Have you ever judged a book by its fancy cover, only to find it was the most boring, mundane piece of literature you ever read? Or while house hunting judged a home by its “curb appeal,” then opened Pandora’s Box sans 1970 when you walked in the door?? Maybe you’ve created a connection and amazing text rapport with a potential mate through an online dating app. Then you meet in person and they speak, and it sounds like a honking donkey. First impressions are often inaccurate and misguided. We often judge others by presuppositions we’ve created through our life experience, also known as our “model of reality.” I’ve been told I am distant and aloof when people first meet me. I don’t perceive myself that way, but apparently that’s how it’s interpreted by some. I like to observe behavior. I like to watch how people interact. I like to see if what they say matches what they do. I like to feel their energy – is it guarded or inviting?

I recently misjudged my daughter’s new gymnastics coach. When we came in for the first class, an older foreign gentleman with the figure of a weeble waved us into the gymnasium. He never introduced himself, nor asked the girls their names. He immediately went to work on warm up drills.

Here are all the critical thoughts that instantly went through my head:

“This guy can’t even touch his toes, what the hell does he know about the human body when he clearly doesn’t take care of his own? “

“He didn’t introduce himself, maybe he’s just warming them up and the real coach is going to take over?”

“Talk about living out of alignment – what kind of example is he setting? He’s overweight, yet is teaching young girls how to be athletes? –what a crock.”

“I’m not sure what his nationality is, but I am guessing it’s some cold, staunch Eastern European thing.”

“Maybe he’s just a porcupine and under the gruff exterior lies a sensitive being?”

Hi judger judgerton. I literally spent the entire hour lambasting this man to death with very little factual information about his credentials. He didn’t have a prayer of recovering from my first impression of him …or so I thought. Then, I got to thinking how my first impressions are perceived. I am a porcupine most of the time. This warrants further investigation. I called my friend who works at the YMCA. She laughed and said “Oh, your mean Cornell? He’s a sweetheart. He’s Russian, was a gymnast himself until he was injured, and is a very good coach. He loves the kids, and is incredibly precise about form. My daughter improved tenfold with his guidance.” Man I felt like a jack hole.

After this experience, I thought it was important to shift my perspective on first impressions for the following reasons:

People are multifaceted – No one is one dimensional. You cannot peg a person into one category. For instance, I am a witty Capricorn. I can be funny and serious, often at the same time. At least that’s my perception of myself – hmm interesting. First impressions are just a glimpse into someone’s personality.

Your lack of facts – Clearly, my first impression of the gymnastics coach lacked key facts to his background. What kind of in-depth knowledge can you uncover in the first few minutes of meeting someone anyway? What if the asshole in line at the grocery store is panicked because he just got wind his wife lost the baby? Or your quiet weirdo neighbor is unfriendly because they suffer from Agoraphobia. We don’t know what we don’t know until we ask more questions.

Your present emotional state makes a difference – I just heard Oprah tell Rob Lowe on his podcast “Literally” about her first interview with Oscar winning actor Sydney Poitier. She said she was nervous beyond belief, and after it ended, she forgot most of her key questions. She was devastated that the interview was subpar. Funny enough, Sydney reached out to her the next day and asked for a do-over. He said he “wasn’t himself” that day. Their lifelong friendship budded from a less than stellar first encounter. Where in your life have you experienced something similar?

The Cliff Burnstein Syndrome – I apologize in advance if Cliff reads this column. Let’s pretend you’re some average Joe bouncing around the streets of NYC and you run into Mr. Burnstein. He’s got wild crazy long gray hair, an unkempt beard, and wears your basic t-shirt and jeans. He could be perceived as homeless from his appearance, but his net-worth far surpasses half of the American population. Then there are hippies who don’t wear deodorant because they prefer o’natural. It doesn’t make them dirty – think Matthew McConaughey. We can easily misconstrue a person by just looking at their surface scent and appearance.

We all make assessments based on our limited knowledge of other people. Although many say first impressions last, I beg to differ. I hope this has served you as it has for me. After all, it’s always an Inside Project.

“People themselves alter so much, that there is something new to be observed in them forever.” Jane Austen