What Sex Can Teach Us About Coaching

A few years ago, I debuted a presentation called “What Sex Can Teach Us About Coaching” and I have been asked to share the presentation numerous times since then. I believe the content is timeless and as relevant to talent development now as it was when the presentation was first created. I was reminded of the presentation this week when I heard another programmer quote one element of the content on a podcast. Hearing that prompted me to dust off the presentation and share the highlights of it here (maybe it’s time for a webinar too!). What follows is the highlights of the presentation.

Here we go…

Building the stars of tomorrow is a big responsibility. It's a lot of pressure resting on the shoulders of managers. It's our job, as leaders, to create the right environment for talent to grow. Often managers tend to opt for control vs nurture talent--after all, if we control talent and set strict parameters around the type of performance we deem as acceptable, we should end up with a reasonably good product that pulls on best practices learned through experience. However, by opting to control instead of truly coaching talent, we develop nothing but clones. By controlling the talent we're responsible for, we slowly erode what made them different and compelling in the first place. Our role is to help unlock potential. Not to model people as we’d like to see them but unlock the potential that already exists within them. We should be willing to let whatever uniqueness they have inside them appear to its fullest, so they have the best chance of success. We need to understand how to coach for better performance.

To be a better coach, and to coach for better performance, think of coaching like sex. After all, coaching can be a little like sex…

• People seem to be talking about it all the time.
• People are talking about doing it more than they really are.
• Many of us don't really know how to do it.
• Many of us don't know if we're doing it right.
• And we have no idea if the other person is enjoying themselves!

Here's 'What sex can teach us about coaching"…eight tips to navigate the intimate experience...

#8 Consent is everything

Coaching must be consensual. Coaching is a relational process and just like any relationship it requires all parties to be interested and invested. No progress will be made if the talent doesn't trust you. Your job title doesn't give you permission to coach. It may give you the right to manage, but that's it. Coaching is just like sex and needs all parties to want to do it. As a coach it is your responsibility to make it clear your intentions are honest and genuine before you can move forward in the process. Trust is the foundation. Invest time in building it. Be vulnerable. Establish the relationship. The talent must want to work with you. It's a privilege to work with talent.

#7 Foreplay is important

We tend to just want to get in there! We want to just get straight to the main event. You can't. You need to seduce the talent. This is about building upon the trust that you have started to establish with the talent. You need to continually spend time with your talent. Make them feel important and special. Really get to know them; their motivations, vulnerabilities, their hopes, their fears, their likes and dislikes. Don't simply rush to a list of suggestions and potential improvements that you want to impart. Every coaching conversation should start by making the talent feel special to you.

#6 Judgement is bad

We are all self-conscious. Each of us is full of insecurity and self-doubt. None of us can give our best performance when we're worried about what others may be thinking about us. When someone feels they are being judged, they become defensive and defensiveness never leads to creative breakthroughs. When we are worried about being judged we won't put ourselves out there; we'll conform rather than stand out. Your role as a coach is to make someone feel safe, not concerned. You judging their performance doesn't make them feel comfortable. It doesn't matter whether you think what the talent did was good or bad; your opinion won't help the talent improve, because for feedback to be heard it must always be free of judgement and opinion. Help your talent learn how to construct better content. Help them to understand how they can make better - more effective - decisions in the future. Help them to learn their own evaluation skills. Work with them to develop their awareness and understanding. Stop judging and start teaching.

#5 Don’t Be Negative (No one wants to hear their performance doesn’t measure up!)

Just like no one likes to be judged, no one wants you to point out all the negatives. No one wants to know all the things that went wrong. No one wants to hear their performance was sub-par. It's demotivating, and in certain situations it can be soul destroying. It's essential in coaching that you focus on the positives. Think about it this way; if you focus all your efforts on helping talent fix the areas they struggle with, then at best you'll improve them to be mediocre in those areas. However, if you put all your energy into helping talent identify and then enhance areas of natural strength, you will have the best chance of turning good performance into something spectacular. Building on strengths will move the talent toward success more than any other approach; it makes us happy to know what we're good at, it motivates us to want to do it again and the more we do it the better we get!

#4 Size Doesn't Matter

In coaching, size doesn't matter. You get no extra points for having a long coaching session. Sometimes a quick session is all you need! It's not how often you do it either. You don't have to meet your talent for an hour every day. You don't always have to listen to a whole show or even an hour of it. It's what you do with your coaching that matters. It's how beneficial (and enjoyable) it is for the talent, not how long or how often you do it. As a coach, your role is to illuminate areas of consideration for the talent. Notice I said consideration? That's because you can't force or demand a talent do something; they must want to do it. They're more likely to do it if you've built a foundation of trust (remember point #8: Consent Is Essential). You are there to increase the talent's awareness in areas they may need to think more deeply about. You are there to inspire thoughts that will lead to better performance. Sometimes you can achieve these goals with one comment rather than a whole meeting. Work out what one thing you want to communicate or bring to the talent's attention and then devote as much time as is needed to have a conversation around that.

#3 Be Present

When you're coaching, it is vital to be in the moment. Be with the talent in the 'here and now.' It's too easy to become distracted by the many urgent fires erupting around you. You need to silence your inner voice. When you are with the talent, you need to just be there with them. Be fully invested in them, thinking about nothing else. Trust isn't a onetime thing; you don't establish trust and have it forever. You must keep demonstrating behaviors that reinforce someone else's decision to trust you. If you believe that working with the talent is important, then give them all of you. They'll be able to sense it if you're not truly 'there' with them. You can't fake it!

#2 Take them to the finish line!

You must be able to reach a satisfying climax. Coaching isn't effective if you don't achieve goals. You must be making progress in coaching, otherwise, you're simply having a series of conversations. Your responsibility is to help talent understand their end goal. What does their desired outcome look like? What is it that they want to achieve? What is their performance dream? What do they see when they imagine themselves at their most successful? This shouldn't be about ratings or revenue but about what they imagine they can achieve when they close their eyes and daydream about their future. Help the talent identify the opportunity and then work with them to clarify the steps they'll need to take. All your coaching conversations should be in service to assisting the talent achieve their performance goal. Nothing else!

#1 it's not about you. It's about them.

When it comes to coaching, don't be selfish. Coaching isn't about how good you are, but how you make the other person feel and perform. Coaching isn't about you imparting your knowledge and flexing your intellect on the subject. None of that matters. Instead, focus your efforts on whether the talent is enjoying the experience. When coaching becomes a chore, no one leaves satisfied. Instead, be considerate to the talent's needs and ensure they leave every coaching session fulfilled.

And those are the eight things sex can teach us about coaching! Let's run them down one more time...

#8 - Consent is essential
#7 - Foreplay is important
#6 - Judgement is bad
#5 - Don't be negative
#4 - Size doesn't matter
#3 - Be present
#2 - Take them to the finish line

And at #1 - It's not about you. It's about them!

Oh, and one final point; NEVER, EVER compare talent to someone else! It's not worth it. "I've worked with better" "I loved it when my old talent did this..." "I wish you were more like...." - if coaching is like sex, comparing talent to others will never end well for you!