So This Is Christmas
November 29, 2013
We bow our heads in solemn gratefulness, thankful for yet another year of plenty.
Passing the various dishes around the family, we reflect on all of the blessings.
As we enjoy the delicious turkey, trimmings, and fixin's, we stealthily give a wink to our co-conspirators.
Our exit strategy is clear. This year we MUST dominate. Second is not an option.
First in line at Best Buy is all that will satisfy our needs and wants.
And we will get there, no matter what it takes.
Candace is already camping out.
Oh sure, she had to miss Thanksgiving with the family this year, but that's the price you pay for success.
Our turn will come in subsequent years (maybe, maybe not....Candace is a fairly atrocious cook).
Her foray into the line preserving status began almost a week ago, when during a compensatory drive-thru of the parking lot, we noticed some guys unloading a tent out of their pickup.
We immediately went into action, pushing Candace out at the entrance to the store, yelling at her to stay there til we returned with supplies.
She wasn't thrilled, dressed in her pink fuzzy slippers and jogging attire (a clothing choice that usually is preceded by the statement, "we aren't gonna have to get out of the car, are we?").
There she stood, braving the elements, laughing in the faces of the extreme camping equipped men.
And crying. Just a little. It would be seven days before she would be able to cross the threshold of pre-Black Friday victory.
But fast forward 168 hours and it all seems worth it!
We will be first in line to score the X Boxes, Flat Screens and Blue Rays!
Ours will be the plunder that they speak of for decades!
Men, women and children will be left in our churning wake of thrift.
Leaving the dishes to someone far less prepared or intelligent, we head out for what is to be complete & utter competition destruction.
We arrive at the parking lot, and smirk at the line that is now winding completely around the side of the store.
What silly, mindless, unprepared people.
Carrying our hot chocolate, and bundled up for the final hour of our master plan, we arrive at the front of the line.
Front & center, front row! Head of the parade! It's game time.
There's Candace, looking tired....a little worn, but there's still a smile on the corners of her lips.
And a sense of accomplishment.
And we are here to claim our rightful place alongside her.
Stepping under the golden suede bannister, we slide up alongside Candace, high-fiving and celebrating our unequaled shopping prowess.
So embroiled are we in our realization of this long sought after goal that we fail to see the law enforcement officers who have joined us.
And who, I might add, do not seem to be nearly as impressed with our astounding accomplishments as we are.
"Ladies, I'm very sorry, but you're going to have to go to the back of the line."
"You can't break in line. Folks have been standing here for days. You can't jump in front of them."
Apparently they had been handing out free daggers before we arrived, because EVERYONE'S eyes is shooting them at me as I gaze downline.
Sheesh, people! We belong here! Our plan was ironclad. This is our legacy.
We try to explain our birthright, and our allegiance with the now REALLY smugly smirking Candace, but it's to no avail.
Our option is to stay where we are, continue to argue, and be arrested, or make the long, lonely, degrading, humiliating walk to the back.
Of course, the choice is obvious.
I'm not a fool.
And I make it without a second thought.
Candace, Stephanie and Jessica wave sadly at me as I drive away in the back seat of the Police car, handcuffed.
Candace still standing in her prized #1 spot, Steph & Jess with heads hung low, walking towards the cul de sac known as Humiliation Boulevard.
Otherwise known as the back of the loser line.
And I'm on my way downtown for a photo session.
So this is Christmas, eh?
I wonder if they will have any leftovers from Thanksgiving dinner when I get there?
We left our table in such a flurry today that I neglected to enjoy it all.
Oh well. Live and learn, and all that.
Maybe they've got internet access at the jail?
I'll be able to get in some cyber shopping and beat the rush.
Of course, the one burning question that will keep me awake tonight.....
....and continue to ring in my heart and soul for the rest of the holiday season?
What's Candace gonna get me for Christmas?
Happy Holidays, ya'll.
There's got to be more to it than this.