10 Questions with ... Darian O'Toole

NAME:Darian O'Toole LAST WITH:The Dearly Departed and Defunct Free-FM, San Francisco PHONE:(415) 571-3959 EMAIL:darian.otoole7@gmail.com

Please begin by giving us a brief career history ...

Dave, brevity is not my strength. It's not like you're new. C'mon now. Plus, I'm old. I learned the ropes in Canada, where I'm originally from. Had a tabloid scandal with Kiefer Sutherland, my fellow drunken Nova Scotia celeb, fell in love with a Jersey dude and fled for America. I snuck across the border, landed a gig doing afternoons at WXPN in Philly, and so began my radio reign of terror.

I got a little too popular, outed by Philly Magazine for it. I'm legally one of you now, so don't bother calling immigration. They fired me. (Public Radio execs are not known for their sense of humor) and I went across town to WMMR. The PD (great guy, Joe Bonadonna) wanted to put me in mornings, but the GM didn't have the balls to put a chick in the chair, so I changed my name and moved to Cali. I did mornings in Sacramento for, like, a minute and encountered the same estrogen prejudice when the company got sold. We had a fabulous female PD and they blew her, the GM, and me out on Xmas day. The CEO was Jewish though, so I guess that's OK.

I landed in San Francisco and did mornings on KBGG for four years. The morning show was dead last in the market, so they had no qualms about hiring a crazy funny lady who'd work cheap. No one had any expectations, so I was given absolute freedom and autonomy. We took that show from 24th to first, but unfortunately the rest of the day wasn't keeping up, so the format flipped.

Mornings in N.Y. at Q104 followed. Great experience, but it was an ill-conceived station at the time with stupid, stupid publicity. I literally got off the plane and walked by my mug on the cover of a magazine that said "The Female Howard Stern has arrived. Is this the new Queen of all media?" DUMB move on management's part. You don't attack the best talent on the planet on the first day. You sneak up on him. Needless to say, it didn't work despite some of my best work, and he crushed me with one swat of his paw.

I came back to San Francisco, worked at KSAN until it changed to The Bone, then I did mornings on The Peak, an Alternative station in Washington, got sick, went back to Canada, worked at the "other" Q104 and then to FREE in San Francisco. Yeah, that wasn't brief and I left a whole lot out, but that's the main stuff.

1) What do you do to maintain a positive mental attitude and stay motivated?

Motivation has never been a problem for me. I'm a woman on a mission. Mediocrity irritates the crap out of me and long before "The Secret" stated the obvious, I understood the law of attraction. Whatever I put out I get back. When I'm a bitch, I get in s*&T, when I'm positive and well-behaved, I win. It's not like I need an anvil to fall on my head; I'm not The Roadrunner. Just follow the basic tenets of quantum physics and you'll be all good.

2) How are you occupying your time, besides looking for a job?

I'm doing lots of voice work, TV/film stuff and teaching on camera acting to kids for a really cool company called IPOP out of LA. It's a blast. I don't have the pain threshold to have my own kids, but I love them and it's definitely reciprocal. Darian Monster is basically a big shiny object, to children so they're drawn to me. I love their honesty and passion. It's so rare in adults. Especially in radio. I'm also working with a brilliant new agent who I'm very excited about, and I'll be a celeb guest host on "The View," filling in for the very Republican, very blond Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Yeah, I know ... most bizarre casting choice in the history of TV but, hey, it's a chance for me to get paid to bitch. I'm so there.

Also, I'm in an indie movie with Robin Wright Penn and Peter Coyote in NY, I have new representation by Paul B. Anderson (Bonaduce's agent, he has nerves of steel), and I'm also talking to John Cook about pulling a shift on WYSP in Philly, my old stomping grounds.

3) Some people get discouraged or enlightened with the business when they actually step out of it for a while. Tell us your observations from the outside.

By and large, the industry is in big big trouble. There's a major dearth of true talent and I swear to God, if I hear one more wacky zany morning team, I'm gonna snap and climb a clock tower and take some hostages. Battle of the Sexes, Today in Music History, and Funny Friday Prank Calls are concentric circles of HELL! If you don't believe me, ask Dante.

As for enlightenment, I've had lots of epiphanies. I had a life-threatening illness, spent almost a year in ICU; my Mom, who was my best friend, died unexpectedly; and I admittedly bottomed out. Big ol' trainwreck. I channeled my inner Anna Nicole Smith and after three days of not sleeping (at all), fighting with my fiance/producer (tragic mistake that I will NEVER make again) and round-the-clock self medicating, I showed up on the air still drunk from the night before. Not pretty. Funny, but not cute. Apparently, when you're out of your mind plastered but trying to appear lucid and coherent, OUT LOUD is the worst place to hide. Who knew? They really ought to teach you that in school.

I own my crap and I'm the first to say I was utterly out of control and self-medicating. I'm extraordinarily fortunate that the most catastrophic thing that happened was making a public ass of myself. If I had been behind the wheel of a car instead of a mic, I could have killed someone or myself. I needed help and I got it. In my defense, 27 shitty minutes in the span of a pretty impressive 15-year career is not so bad. Most of the morons on the air now average that hourly -- and they're sober and trying to sound good.

4) Do you plan on sticking with the music/radio industry?

Hell, yes! The entertainment industry is the only place I make any sense, and an audience is as necessary to me as oxygen. There's zero chance that I'm gonna shut up any time soon. I love acting, and TV and film is fun, but radio will always be my first pick. When it's done right, there's nothing better or more intimate. I can honestly say I've never had a real job in my entire life and never will. Can you imagine me in mainstream America? Never gonna happen. The twisted labyrinth of lunacy that is the Darian Mind is sorta like parts of Harlem. You should never go in alone, especially at night, and don't get lost in there cuz it can be just plain scary.

5) What's the longest stretch you've had on the beach?

This one and the year I spent in the hospital. After my SF debacle, I hauled ass to a long-term, hardcore residential rehab. I needed to get my shit together and a 30-day spin dry in Malibu wouldn't have cut it, so I took the necessary time to heal, and I'm glad that I did.

6) What's the craziest thing you've ever done to get a job?

Please, I'm 18 shades of crazy. How to pick. My all-time best was in San Francisco at Big. The PD wasn't listening to any of the tapes I sent, so I befriended the very gay and very funny receptionist, and realized the bathroom was in the hall. I knew Gerry (McCracken ... LOVE HIM) would have to pee eventually and had no escape route so I planted my butt in the lobby for eight hours, accosted him and got the gig that day.

7) What is the next job you'd like to obtain?

Malevolent Dictator of the Universe. I'm a shoe-in.

8) What's the most unbelievable question you've ever been asked in an interview?

It wasn't during an interview. As a rule, no one really gets a word in during that process, BUT I did have a consultant in N.Y. who asked me if I could "dumb down a little" and use smaller words with my sexiest delivery. As I recall, I threw a paperweight through his office window and made up really long fake words to mess with his empty head. Not my shining moment.

9) Are you spending as much time listening to radio as you used to?

I'm a tough audience and I don't suffer fools well. Howard is a genius, but I liked him better before he started pandering to the lowest common denominator. Anyone who doesn't give him respect is in deep denial or jealous.

I love Danny Bonaduce. No one can work a room like him. He's a force of nature and one of a handful of people who has the same frenetic energy as me. I think O&A are incredibly talented, although they seem to be suffering from Darian disease lately. The Darian of old, that is, not the new and improved lemon fresh DOT.

We were all in the trenches together in N.Y. and I have mad love for Op and Danny. I consider the three of us the redheaded trifecta of great radio, BUT why he insists on biting the hand that feeds him is beyond me. Gregg is one of the smartest, funniest people in this business, but like anyone with huge talent, he can be a narcissistic jerk, hell-bent on self-destruction. Danny and I have that in common as well, but Danny had the good sense to commit his mistakes on camera, and I had "but I was drunk and didn't know I was naked" working for me. Op's just being a dick and I'm not shy about saying that to his face.

My real friends and the people I respect, including him and my good buddy Joel Denver, of course, wasted no time making fun of my stupidity and I'd be disappointed if they hadn't. They cared enough about me to tell me that I was a jackass and it's their job to talk about it. When you're out of pocket, and senselessly attacking the people who are paying you to PLAY, you deserve to get your ass fired. CBS is an amazing company, in my opinion, and doesn't deserve the headaches O&A are causing them. I swear the execs on West 57th must have valiums the size of footballs and nitrous tanks to put up with our crap. Not only did they put up with me, they encouraged and fostered my unique (ahem) style of radio. FREE-FM was far and away the best gig I ever had and it's no one's fault but mine that I lost it, although I think SF was the first one to self-implode. They're an Oldies station now. Oh, the humanity. It's a travesty!

10) Is there anything specific that you regret doing while you were still working?

Until time travel becomes a viable option, I refuse to regret anything or feel guilty. I've messed up and I hurt and disappointed some wonderful, wonderful people, and for that I offer heartfelt apologies, but yesterday is out of my hands. I can only control today and tomorrow.

Oprah or Dr. Phil?

Which one should we shoot first? Is that the question? I'm going with Phil. Anyone who thinks he's being euphemistically profound while referencing farm animals needs his ass kicked.