Overnight Briefing & General Reality Check - Jul 6, 2011

When not to visit the bank:

The latest FBI stats show if you don't have direct deposit and headed to the bank, you probably should avoid Friday mornings between 9-11 am, especially if you live in the South or West.
That's because most of the 55-hundred-plus bank robberies in the U-S took place on Fridays around mid-morning in those areas. In case you're wondering, what usually happens is somebody walks up to a teller and hands them a note saying they have a weapon and to hand over all the money in their cash drawer.

Survivor: real life:

A teen in Iowa was run over by a train and survived.
According to the Des Moines Register, the unnamed 17-year-old allegedly got drunk and passed out on the tracks Sunday night. Train conductors slammed on the emergency brakes but ran him over anyway. Miraculously, he only suffered minor cuts and bruises. Now, he faces trespassing and public drunkenness charges. (Still)

Grace notes:

The guy in MILLI VANILLI that didn't kill himself is attempting to make a comeback. TMZ.com says FAB MORVAN is working with EMINEM's DJ, The Alchemist. The project is very real, and The Alchemist predicts this will bring Fab back in a big way. (Marino)

Well, it turns out that not every person on the face of the earth is a JUSTIN BIEBER fan... well, at least not the readers of Vanity Fair magazine. Women's Wear Daily says the February issue with Justin on the cover was its worst selling in 12 years. A spokesperson for Vanity Fair said (quote), "Who knew 12-year-olds didn't buy magazines?" (Marino)

Broadcast, cable and video news:

CHARLIE SHEEN hasn't gotten enough abuse in the media and is begging for more. The "Rock Star from Mars" released a statement to TMZ.com announcing he'll be the guest of honor at Comedy Central next big roast. True to form, Chuck believes he's provided a lot of "kindling" for the affair, thinks it's time to "light it up" and promises the event is "going to be epic."
Look for the antics to ensue on September 19th, which happens to be the same day as ASHTON KUTCHER's debut on "Two and a Half Men." (Lee)

Wasted away again in Margaritaville:

Well, here's a Fourth of July celebration we missed: The Boulder, CO, man who was arrested while driving a city maintenance tractor at the local reservoir on the Fourth of July.
Incredibly, alcohol was involved.
Police say the keys were in the tractor when 23-year-old PHILLIP HALL went for the joy ride. Oh, a John Deere 4200, if you must know, with a forklift on the front and a rototiller on the back
When asked if he'd been drinking, Hall told police, "I'm drunk for sure, but I'm trying to establish my independence." (Maiman)

At the local Cop Shop:

No doubt this headline writer took the rest of the day off. The headline: "Police Perusal Of Pistol-Packing Perp's Perforated Penis Pix Permitted."
In Milwaukee, 27-year-old OTIS LOCKETT had been shot once --in his manhood-- telling police he was shot from behind but had no idea who did it. That didn't wash for cops since hospital workers reported that the bullet's trajectory was a "downward 45-degree angle." Police got a search warrant, medical personnel removed the bandages from the gunshot wound, photographs were taken of said evidence.
Turns out the hunch was correct: Lockett had shot himself in the weenie and made up a story because he's a convicted felon on probation, which means he was illegally in possession of a handgun.
Apparently the gun went off because he had it cocked in his waistband.
Editor's note: So if the evidence doesn't stand up in court, will he be acquitted by a hung jury? (Maiman)