Overnight Briefing & General Reality Check

Reality Round-Up:

"Jersey Shore" ramps up again tonight for its third season with a new Guidette --DEENA NICOLE CORTESE-- one of SNOOKI's friends, affectionately known as "The Meatball." Deena calls herself --depending on her mood-- a "Party in a Body" or "Class in a Glass," and you'll get more slang to describe clubbers:
   --a drunk girl at a club is called a "Slop Tart"
   --guys who follow Deena around are called "Backpacks."
   On the season premiere tonight, you'll catch Deena stripping in front of MIKE "The Situation" SORRENTINO for a little attention. "I was drunk and trying to show off my bathing suit," she told the NY Post. "I was so drunk I didn't realize that I took off my bottoms with my skirt. I was mortified."
   Sure.

Meanwhile, "Jersey Shore" star NICOLE "Snooki" POLIZZI, who admittedly has only read two books --"Twilight" and "Dear John"-- is now a published author herself. Snooki's new book, cleverly entitled, "A Shore Thing," is in stores this week. Here's a couple of quotes (note language) from the book for you people into dramatic readings:
   --"He had an OK body. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face."
   --"Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla."
   --"Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne (Acne on the back). They fly into a "rhoid rage; it is a 'road' 'rhoid rage."
   --"Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A (fart) slipped out. A loud one. And stinky."
   Editor's note: Hemingway, eat your heart out.

Snooki was on ELLEN DeGENERES' show yesterday. Ellen asked her: "When you say if you didn't black out it's a good night for you, are you serious?"
   Snooki replied, seriously, "Yes, because I want to remember my night and sometimes I just don't. It sucks. So you're like, "What did I do? Why did I wake up in a garbage can?"
   And when Ellen asked how often that happens, Snooki casually replied, "Oh, like once a month."
   While we're on the subject, Snooki will be reading the top-10 list on DAVID LETTERMAN next Monday night.

Celebs in Court:

Saddest thing ever: testimony yesterday at a preliminary hearing to determine if Dr. CONRAD MURRAY should be put on trial for involuntary manslaughter of MICHAEL JACKSON came from ALBERTO ALVAREZ, one of Michael's "logistics directors" (bodyguards?), who told the packed courtroom that as Michael lay dying and Dr Murray tried in vain to revive him, Michael's children, PARIS and PRINCE, came into the bedroom and watched, crying.
   Murray reportedly shouted, "Get them out! Get them out! Don't let them see their father like this." But, of course, it was too late, and the 11-and-12 year-olds reportedly saw their father on his back, his eyes and mouth open, as Murray gave chest compressions and attempted mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
And the Los Angeles Times says Alvarez also claimed that  doctor ordered him to pack up and get rid of all vials of medicine and intravenous bags before anyone called 911.

Stupid people, stupid places:

In Auckland, New Zealand, a misdial that went unnoticed has cost a man his job. TVNZ reports RUSSELL STEEL spent 20 minutes trashing his company to what he thought was a client --but it turned out to be his boss's assistant, who took notes on everything. Yes, he'd accidentally dialed his boss's number.
   The now former Steelpipe employee had worked for the company for 39 years. (Kaye)